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"Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice mail system will help direct you to the proper office."


"If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one."


"If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House's endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note, for the sake of the voice mail system, that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb)."


"If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded."


"If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year."


"If you are calling regarding the administration's unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can't vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area."


"If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line - it is always open."


"If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy."


"If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $9 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don't want to hear about it."


"If you are calling to complain about the White House's efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific research.


"If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don't want to hear from you."


"If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611."


"If you are calling to complain about the President's efforts to "privatize" social security, please press Star 1 and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market."


"If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press Star 2 and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly."


"If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman's right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately."


"If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy and you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year, press Star 3; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press Star 4; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years."


"Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again."


"Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you."

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