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A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you

to evaluate my 13 year-old son."


"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage

disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis

is good for full recovery."


"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"


"Didn't you say he was 13?"




WHEN a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he

wanted his hair cut. "Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare

patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers

my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the

right sideburn below my right ear."


The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."


The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it

the last time I was here!"




My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah (two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale.


After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?" My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.


Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"


Dad replied "Maybe."


Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!"

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Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.


Q: What was the biologist doing at the Old Navy?

A: He was looking for new genes.


Q:Why is Alabama the smartest state?

A:Because it has 4 As and one B!


Q: Why was the ancient Egyptian confused?

A: Because his daddy was also his mummy.


Q: How can you tell a woman is really ugly?

A: A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.




Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"


She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle . . . he gave me a longer cane."




Buckwheat of the LITTLE RASCALS' fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.




A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you.”


The prisoner says. “Okay. What's the bad news?"


"The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution... you go to the chair at 7 PM tonight."


Oh, that's horrible. What possibly could be the good news?"


The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"




The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket.


You know you're getting fat when you pinch an inch on your forehead."




I had a hard time trying to convince my niece that regardless of how much data she added to the new laptop computer I had given her for the new school year, it would not get heavier.




Two Cajun commercial fishermen, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux went out in the Gulf of Mexico fishing. They were gone a couple of months. On their return, they noticed a Taco Bell had been built while they were away. Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says "Look at dat, we not gone no time and dem Mexicans done come over here and built a telephone company!"




Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."


"You should have used the drive-through," she said.




"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.




Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel operator's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it.

"We have over 300 guests at this facility," she said. "Does this 'Gym' have a last name?"




We needed a new car, and I went to a local dealer with a long list of requirements.


"It must be inexpensive," I told the salesman, "but big enough to transport eight Wolf Cubs and all their camping equipment. It has to have lots of headroom. I don't want air conditioning because I like to feel natural breezes. And I'm not concerned about horse-power or a smooth ride."


The salesman gazed at me intently. "The covered wagon no longer exists, ma'am," he said.




A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.


After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new factory, the Personnel Officer told the young man, "We need individuals who are totally responsible."


The young man grinned and responded: "Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I've worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!"




Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.




There once was an old man of Esser,

Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,

It at last grew so small

He knew nothing at all

And now he's a college professor.

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While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first. Then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."




My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins in the back of the register.


"Do you want the rolls too?" she asked."


"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."




One day Bob goes to the hardware shop and buys a bathtub. A couple of days later he goes back to the shop and complains that whenever he puts water in the bath it always runs out the bottom so he can't fill it up.


The shop assistant tells him, "You need to buy a plug, mate."


Bob says, "You idiot! You never told me it was electric!"




A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."


The friend said, "How flattering."


The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."




Betty loves to cook, and her husband Dan loves gardening.


One day she needed an onion, and went to the mesh bag he had hung near the back door to get one. They both found the resultant dish tasty, but different. The next morning, as he reached for the mesh bag, Dan announced that he had better plant those tulip bulbs before it rained.




An Indian fell into an outhouse and got trapped for a very long time.


After a long time a man came and fished him out. The man asked the Indian how long he had been in there.


The Indian replied, "I've seen many moons!"




Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door.


The teacher said, "Hello, Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father."


Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here."


The teacher said, "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?"


"Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but Dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again."




After a long day of shopping, my mother and I stopped at a grocery store. I ran in to pick up a few things, leaving her in the car. As I approached the checkout I was surprised to see my mother there waiting for me.


"Mom," I said, "what are you doing in here? I left the motor running."


"It's all right, dear," she replied reassuringly. "I locked the doors."




Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther.... Florida or the Moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooo, can you see Florida?"




A former manager of the New York Yankees once told about a dream he had in which he died and went to heaven. There he was ordered to organize and manage a ball team. He said all the available talent - Christy Mathewson, Walter Johnson, Rube Waddell, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and many other superstars, overwhelmed him.


Just then the phone rang. It was Satan calling to challenge the heavenly team to a game.


"But you haven't got a chance of winning," said the manager. "You see I got all the great ball players up here."


Satan explained, "Oh, I know that. But I've got all the umpires!"

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