You might be a bad cook if...

[Wolfie]

You might be a bad cook if...

• you call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make coleslaw.
   
  
• you look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.
   
  
• the smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.
   
  
• you turn the bowl of rice casserole upside down and nothing gets spilled.
   
  
• it takes a hammer and chisel to remove said casserole from the dish.
   
  
• your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk.
   
  
• the microwave display reads "TILT!"
   
  
• when you BBQ the kids won't come outside, instead they stand inside the door watching you.
   
  
• three of them hold water guns and the 4th has the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
   
  
• the last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.
   
  
• your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
   
  
• your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop.
   
  
• you can use your overcooked food as a weapon.
   
  
• your food melts plastic and silverware.
   
  
• the dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
   
  
• all your baked goods have the names "asphalt" or "Hockey puck."
   
  
• you've ever cooked a broccoli casserole and forgot to add the broccoli.
   
  
• if you cook the leftover cut-outs of a jack-o-lantern.
   
  
• there are bones in your toast.
   
  
• all you cook seems to be left overs.
   
  
• the judges in the Beverly Hills Bake-off vote for Elly May Clampett's biscuits over yours.
   
  
• the leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
   
  
• your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
   
  
• those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
   
  
• you used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan!
   
  
• you've ever burned through the bottom of a pan while cooking.
   
  
• you forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat-wave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.
   
  
• the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
   
  
• you refer to flour moth larvae as 'a little extra free protein.'
   
  
• anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yogurt.
   
  
• your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock-pot nine days old tastes like.
   
  
• you tell them that the grey fuzzy stuff on top of it 'is good for them.'
   
  
• if you avoid the hassle of having to ever re-season your cast iron skillet by always leaving the remains of the last thing you cooked in there for 'flavor.'
   
  
• you hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
   
  
• there's no such thing as an unusable leftover.
   
  
• you know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
   
  
• you really have messed up a salad.
   
  
• the family pets are no where to be found during dinner
   
  
• around dinnertime, the family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.
   
  
• you have cooked dishes that are more appetizing after two months in the back of the fridge.