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You might be a bad cook if...


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You might be a bad cook if...

  • you call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make coleslaw.
  • you look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.
  • the smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.
  • you turn the bowl of rice casserole upside down and nothing gets spilled.
  • it takes a hammer and chisel to remove said casserole from the dish.
  • your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk.
  • the microwave display reads "TILT!"
  • when you BBQ the kids won't come outside, instead they stand inside the door watching you.
  • three of them hold water guns and the 4th has the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
  • the last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.
  • your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
  • your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop.
  • you can use your overcooked food as a weapon.
  • your food melts plastic and silverware.
  • the dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
  • all your baked goods have the names "asphalt" or "Hockey puck."
  • you've ever cooked a broccoli casserole and forgot to add the broccoli.
  • if you cook the leftover cut-outs of a jack-o-lantern.
  • there are bones in your toast.
  • all you cook seems to be left overs.
  • the judges in the Beverly Hills Bake-off vote for Elly May Clampett's biscuits over yours.
  • the leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
  • your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
  • those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
  • you used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan!
  • you've ever burned through the bottom of a pan while cooking.
  • you forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat-wave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.
  • the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
  • you refer to flour moth larvae as 'a little extra free protein.'
  • anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yogurt.
  • your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock-pot nine days old tastes like.
  • you tell them that the grey fuzzy stuff on top of it 'is good for them.'
  • if you avoid the hassle of having to ever re-season your cast iron skillet by always leaving the remains of the last thing you cooked in there for 'flavor.'
  • you hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
  • there's no such thing as an unusable leftover.
  • you know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
  • you really have messed up a salad.
  • the family pets are no where to be found during dinner
  • around dinnertime, the family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.
  • you have cooked dishes that are more appetizing after two months in the back of the fridge.

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