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Yet even more randoms...


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A guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.


So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.


He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"


"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."




Two goobers were talking. One was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.


"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."


"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."




I was standing at the checkout with my two-year-old son, and there was a heavyset gal in line a head of us. As the cashier scanned the lady's items, the bar-code reader gave off a continuous beeping sound.


All of a sudden, my son said loudly, "Mommy, watch out! She's going to back up!"


That was the only time in my life I wanted to crawl into a hole.




There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL!" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."


The drunk replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."




We have a new employee, Jose, at the local Home Depot and has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the sawdust challenged like myself. Yesterday I needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of wood with my newly purchased belt sander. A fast trip to the store led to the retro question:


"Can you tell me the way to sand, Jose?"




"My mom used to tell me not to eat so fast because it wasn't good for me. So I put a strobe light over the table."

--Nick Arnette



"Hanging onto resentment is like letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head."

--Ann Landers



"Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference between having an open mind and having holes in one's head?"

--Richard Schultz

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