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Dear Friends,


My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be

something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this shit!" Well,

I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story

chronicled on the History Channel in the near future. Here goes.


Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled

my fancy. (Note: keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I

bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd

anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet

girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer

with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this household

security product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal

prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of

high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The

effects are supposed to be short lived, with no

long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate

time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your basic 250

lb. tattooed sociopath assailant, push the button, and it will render

him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck

geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're

truly missing out--way too cool!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two

AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so

disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I'm an techno-geek...we don't

need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this

particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How

disappointing! I do love fire for effect, and unchained electrons are

just a whole bunch of fun. I learned that if I pushed the button,

however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue

arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was

so looking forward to. I did so.


Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have

yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two little bitty AAA batteries, etc.,

etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me doin'

the readin', not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this

thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about

zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She

is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing

to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance

that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?

Seemed reasonable to me at the time...


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this

little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in

circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA

batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust

me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what

followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head

cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a

one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that

bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you

agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell

of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always

twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the

fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)


I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY

SHIT! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in

through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body

slammed me on the carpet eight or nine times. I vaguely recall waking up

on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to

be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the

oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had

never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,

"That was fun! Do it again, do it again!"


(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note

of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap

yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged

from your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if

you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your

thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later

(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I

collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the

landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How

did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were

still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as

my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty



By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm

offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and

handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get

'em back.

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