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Two Religious Jokes


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God's Children


Whenever your kids (or your friend's kids in this case), are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, "Don't". Mp> "Don't what?" Adam replied. Mp> "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.


Forbidden fruit? We've got forbidden fruit? "Hey, Eve, we've got forbidden fruit!"


"No way!"




"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.




"Because I'm your father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.


A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was very angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.


"Uh huh, " said Adam.


"Then why did you?"


"I dunno," Eve answered.


"She started it!" Adam shouted.


"Did not!"


"Did too!"




Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you??


New Ten Commandments


10. Thou shalt register thine weapon so that in the event thou dost kill, thou shalt be easily found and reminded of the original "Thou shalt not kill" commandment. And also, it provides ample time to knit thou a lovely gun cosy for Xmas.


9. Thou shalt still honour the Sabbath, but in the event thou art scheduled to work, thou mayest swap Sabbaths with someone of a differing religion which has it's Sabbath on thine day off. And also, thou can play cards, drink, and generally be sinful, as long as thou promise to swap penance with someone who's built up a glut of "Heaven Things."


8. Thou shalt honour thy legal guardians, unless of course thine therapist suggests they're too dysfunctional to be worth the bother. Also, thou can put them away in a home any old time thou feels like it, but thou should at least try to visit once in a while. OK, how 'bout a phone call? No? Thou art a jerk.


7. Thou shalt not covet thine neighbour's spouse, nor their lover that they've taken for the Summer, nor their relatives, nor them either. Thou should buyest a magazine.


6. Thou shalt not steal...unless it's antiperspirant. In that case, please dost.


5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's baked goods, nor their gardening supplies, nor their camper, nor their rotten children, nor that expensive bottle of scotch thou gavest them for Xmas, nor anything that belongs to them. Thou mayest, however, "borrow" any of these items and then conveniently "forget" to take it back - unless it's a perishable food item like coleslaw.


4. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain, with the following exceptions:


a) Thou hast inadvertently made an appointment with whomever did Tori Spelling's last hairdo.

B) Thou hast been saddled with co-workers who useth "action" as a verb.

c) It's the second coming and the Lord has returned, but only if the Lord seems confused and has wandered aimlessly onto your estate and they don't look like they're about to do any yardwork.


3. Thou shalt not be tiresome in thine conversation, nor in thine choice of clothing, nor in thine work habits. Thou may, however, go jump in the lake.


2. Thou shalt not pay a lot for this muffler.


1. I am the new improved "Lemon Fresh God" and thou shalt have no Gods before me, not a "Potpourri God" nor a "Meadow Fresh God" nor even a "Double Action Blammo Dirt To Hell God."

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