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As I just said to Miguel*...I believe that Wayne and I have finally surpassed the beginning of the end. I feel we are lingering between the middle of the end and the end of the end. And the definite end seems to be in sight.


Does that make sense?


Probably not.


Do I feel that in a day or two Wayne will call or email and accuse me of "not being the Kim that he knew...the Kim that would fight for him..." And you know what? He's right. I'm tired of the bullshit and stupid fights. I'm tired of feeling like the person that he's settling for because he can't have his oh-so-dear bitch, Amy. I'm tired of being unhappy while trying to (unsuccessfully) make him happy. Will I probably momentarily lapse into trying to make things work? Probably, because that's me. And I'm stubborn. But, we'll see.


Truth is...I met someone. He is nice to me. We relate to one another. He shares the SAME sense of humor as I do...ie. NOT Wayne's twisted sense of humor. The sense of humor that leaves me upset 99.99% of the time. I have a guy over here that is already knocking me for a loop. Periodically talking about hanging out. Wanting to spend time with me. Willing to drive an hour to see me if I should say "come visit..." (as long as he's not at work). But...more about him some other time...


I'm going to go, because I don't really have anything that I want to add right this second. Especially since I have to finish these two papers and get my ass to bed.


*For a transcript of my conversation with Miguel (aka - my real feelings) see below...


Kim: so...i think wayne and i have surpassed the beginning of the end...and if not close to the end of the end, are at the middle of the end


Miguel: and this is making you feel...?


Kim: not sad, not happy...it's...it's..."it's like whoa!"


Miguel: just surprising?


Kim: not even surprising


Miguel: you know, i don't think i see this time.


Miguel: are you ok with it all?


Kim: I think that...although I always had a hope for us...I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have no desire to be the woman he chooses to settle with. He can make me feel wonderful at times...and then he can make me feel like a piece of shit. I'm better than that. I shouldn't settle for someone that is "settling" with me. I won't be his oh-so-dear Amy...because she's not real


Kim: I deserve way more than he is willing to give


Kim: Of course he'll try to call tomorrow or something and I'll get suckered into talking because i do still care, but honestly...i don't think the feelings are the same anymore...there's an emptiness there...


Miguel: have you told him this?


Kim: no


Kim: Should he call back tonight/tomorrow/in a few days, I may have to, though


Miguel: yeah. being open and honest is always the best way to evaluate the situation and for you each to find out what you want from each other.


Kim: What I want is probably something that I could never have...and it scares me...which is why I haven't been able to say anything...I had hope...I had faith...and they're withering away


Miguel: something you could never have with him or something you could never have period?


Kim: with him...

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*blinks in astonishment*

As the World Turns, these are the Days of Our lives. It's appearent that you are starting to see a Guiding Light to help you in your One Life to Live towards of happiness. When the Bold and the Beautiful start becoming the Young and the Restless, thats when the powers from above look down and say, "To All My Children, control your Passions before you all hurt yourselves and end up in a General Hospital"


But oh well...


You never know, you may end up staying with him, just with a sort of new sense of freedom or redefinement of the relationship.

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