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Monopolized

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Yeah, this is going to be one of those long, drawn out, self pitty, rant posts on the same subject as before - sorry.

 

This is killing me. Though I still talk to Shere, I miss her. She is keeping me at a huge distance because, as confirmed by a mutual friend, she's afraid to fall for me again. I think she knows as well as I do it could happen again. There's just something there.

 

I also think her excitement to hear FROM me, after all that time of not, bothered her a lot. She doesn't want to love me. I think this is what hurts me the most. Here I am wanting to give her everything, love her, respect her, SHOW her happiness, and comfort. Here she is wanting, maybe even longing, for all that but she won't accept it FROM me. Not to mention, she's the most hard-headed person I've ever met. How are you supposed to handle a situation like this? Personally, I haven't a clue. I do know I'm not giving up, though.

 

You see, Shere is somewhat of a loner. She's your average nerd. (Lots of reading, research, very intelligent, loves cats, Greek Mythology, more reading, Sci-Fi, Geeks game night on Tuesdays, maybe reading again, etc.)

Me, on the other hand, was the punk in school. I knew everyone, everyone loved me, I was in with all the groups, I was at all the parties and I was usually the center of attention at times, and...well...I had tendencies to pick on the nerds. I wasn't cruel, don't get me wrong. I just enjoyed making fun of them when my friends were around. (...and, yes, I do regret it. I should've known better.) Now, look at me, I'm madly in love with with a nerd who probably got picked on in school as well. Life has always had its wise ways of making me eat my words within time.

 

Having said that, I'm not nearly as intelligent as she is - book-sense wise. However, she makes me want to read up on things, study for no reason at all. She has taught me so many things. Actually, I don't think she realizes she has, though.

 

Everytime I see someone who looks even a bit like her, I melt inside. Everytime I hear a certain songs on the radio, I think about her. Everytime I see horse stables, I crumble. (She breeds, trains, and sells horses - she loves it. Makes me think that could be our place, but it's not.)

 

As I said, she loves horses. She rides endurance trails every so often. I thought about donating $5000.oo to the trails - maybe that would catch her eye. I don't know, though.  I feel as if I need to gather a few ways to get her attention. Almost like an offer she can't refuse - something to get her thinking, "Why am I being so ridiculous? Maybe I should atleast give it a shot..".

 

Maybe I'm "beating a dead horse". I don't know - Every day I think about it all and I really can't completely understand it. Maybe it's just me, though. There again, I don't know...

 

-Monopolized

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Great. I've always been good at math.

 

I'm a lesbian + males don't phase me + no male has a chance with me = You'd only be wasting your time.

 

How's that? style_emoticons/default/smile.gif

Who said I was trying to get with you?  I was just admiring the view.

:eyebrows:

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