JACKASS

[Wolfie]

This is funny. Kinda long, but it reads really fast.

 

Whenever you have a really bad day and feel like you just need to take it out on someone, STOP! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T KNOW! Now get this. I needed to call a friend and tried dialing the number FROM memory. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin, could I please speak to Robin Carter?" The phone was slammed down in my ear! I couldn't believe anyone could be so rude. I looked up Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I decided to call the "wrong" number again. The same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

 

I wrote down the number and the word "jackass". I put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, while paying bills, or after a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

 

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I thought I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He said, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

 

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

 

An old lady at the mall was taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. When she finally did pull out, I began to move forward. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and whips INTO her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, buddy. I was here first!"

 

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world.

 

I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A week later I had a really bad day. I made my usual Jackass call, (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

 

Then I remembered the guy with the black Camaro, I found his number in my wallet and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

 

"Yes, it is."

 

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

 

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

 

"What's your name?"

 

"My name is Don Hansen."

 

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

 

"I'm home in the evenings."

 

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

 

"Yes,"

 

"Don, you're a jackass!" I slammed the phone down.

 

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dial.

 

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. After several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

 

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I called Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

 

I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me."

 

I said, "No." He said "What's your name, pal?"

 

I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?"

 

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

 

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

 

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" I hung up.

 

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

 

I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

 

"You'll what?"

 

"I'll kick your butt."

 

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"

 

I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 with the same story. After that I climbed INTO my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a Channel 13 News helicopter! It was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

 

~ Name withheld to protect the guilty.