Jump to content

85 Rules For Being A Man


Recommended Posts

1. Don't call EVER!

2. If you like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3. LIE

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike".

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them already or gave it to them.

6. Play with yourself as often as possible...tell everyone about it

7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don’t want to answer then a grunt will do.

8. Always remember...you are a man...therefore, no matter what, it wasn't your fault.

9. LIE

10. Girls find it more attractive if a guy has had more women than baths.


11. Never ask for help...even if you really really need help - don't ask ...people will think you have no penis.

12. Women like it when you ignore them...it arouses them.

13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

14. TWO WORDS: hack and spit (big loogies mean a big penis)

15. Everybody finds a man more attractive if he can write his name with urine.

16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she is missing and love you for not giving up on her.

17. Tell her you WILL call. Then, refer to rule #1.

18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked them out, it will cramp your style on picking up.

19. LIE

20. Deny everything. EVERYTHING!


21. If you like a girl, tell all her female friends, especially female friends you suspect to have a crush on you. (Probably all of them - you're a man remember?) They really want to know.

22. Don't have a clue.

23. If you get a clue, disregard it and pretend you didn't.

24. No means Yes

25. Yes means No

26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel! You may get sick or even die. The most important rules!

27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations

28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak; sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

29. Feelings, what feelings?

30. Life is one big competition, either pretend it's not true or kick their butt


31. LIE, I tell you

32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed INTO a corner and must make a decision, STALL. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.

EX. Question: Honey, will you take me out for a romantic diner?

Answer: Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day

33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. TWIST.

34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia.(if by some chance you have play-doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%)

35. LIE

36. "LOVE" is not in your vocabulary...don't even think about saying it

37. A general rule: if whatever you're doing does not satisfy you in five minutes, then it's really not worth it

38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back.  Diss her again...repeat cycle

39. LIE


40. Apologize whenever it's expected...NEVER mean it

41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care...DON'T

42. Try to have a good memory..but it's ok if you forget trivial things...you know..like your girlfriends birthday and eye color.

43. Ignorance solves problems...if you can't see them, they can't see you

44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions

45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen etc.

46. LIE

47. Play with food only if you are in a public place with people you do not know

48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know

49. If people express extreme disgust with whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

50. You are NOT a virgin. EVER. Males are born without virginity.


51. You are male, therefore, you are superior.

52. Agenda for typical evening...Get beer, drink beer, play with yourself, have sex, drink more beer, pass out.

53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you

54. Don't ever notice anything

55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you go out with falls in love with you THEN tell her

56. Basic fundamental rule of dating...quantity not quality

57. Basic fundamental rule of sex...quantity IS quality

58. LIE

59. If you cheat on a girl but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong

60. Crying is not manly, then again if you are a man...what do you have to cry about anyway?


61. If the question begins with "WHY" then the answer is ALWAYS "I don't know."

62. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away.

63. REMEMBER: Every virgin girl is saving herself for only YOU!

64. Don't ever let anyone say, "I told you so". If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth...go ballistic.

65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door comes open...it this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills

66. Other people's pain is strictly for your amusement...laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.

67. LIE

68. If anyone asks you for a favor...a) make a big about how hard it is for you to do it. B) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them every five minutes for the rest of their life.

69. 69

70. If you do something really mean to a girl and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't want to talk: casually ask "is something wrong?"


71. Three words...let's be friends...translation: I never want to speak to you again but it's bad for my nice guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend

72. LIE

73. If you are on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many domes you've been laid in

74. Here's a good trick: Tell the girl you're going to leave for a few minutes and that when you come back, you want her to be naked and sprawled on the bed...Leave, go to her dads room and tell him he needs to CHECK on his daughter, then drive like heck.

75. If a girl brakes up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because you know, SHE'S the one who wanted to end the relationship.

76. The best sex position is you...lying face up...and 20 girls on top

77. Default facial expression: Blank Stare

78. Spend your spare time thinking up excuses and shoving them up your butt, whenever you need a really good excuse...you can pull one right out of your butt!

79. If you're asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it, if that doesn't work...go ahead and do what you were asked to do but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job on the most half-passed way you possibly can and then say "see?!? I told you I couldn't do it" Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

80. DO NOT listen to "pussy music" such as En Vogue, Color me Badd or oldies



82. One word...FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!

83. Real men beat up others who are inferior...I mean we don't want to the inferior to get a chance to reproduce ever, do we?

84. Discuss your pecks at every opportunity.

85. LIE

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use