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Employee evaluations


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Some of these were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations.

  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  • This person's employees would follow them anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  • I would not allow this employee to breed.
  • This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  • When they open their mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
  • They would be out of their depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • This young person has delusions of adequacy.
  • They set low personal standards and then consistently fail to achieve them.
  • This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
  • A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • Certainly takes a long time to get to pointless.
  • Does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
  • I would like to go hunting with this employee sometime.
  • They have been working with glue too much.
  • They would argue with a signpost.
  • They have a knack for making strangers immediately.
  • This employee brings a lot of joy whenever they leave the room.
  • When this employee's I.Q. reaches 50, they should sell.
  • If you see two people talking and one looks bored, this employee is the other one.
  • A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.
  • Donated their brain to science before they were done using it.
  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is not coming.
  • Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  • If they were any more stupid, they'd have to be watered twice a week.
  • If you gave them a penny for their thoughts, you'd get change.
  • If you stand close enough to them, you can hear the ocean.
  • One neuron short of a synapse.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; this person only gargled.
  • The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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