DEAR ABBY: I'm a single man in my mid-40s. My parents are gone, but seven of my 10 siblings are still alive.

 

When I was 12, my appendix burst and I became deathly ill. The hospital visits took their toll on my dad, who suffered a major heart attack two weeks after I was released. Two weeks after that, my father had another massive heart attack that ended his life.

 

I felt extremely guilty. I thought I had killed my dad, so I turned to our parish priest for help. Instead, he chose to molest me. He said I had made him do it, and I walked out of church feeling I was to blame -- that I was evil.

 

From then on I trusted no one. I kept people at a distance. I have never had a close personal relationship or a romance.

 

I have been seeing a wonderful counselor for seven years. She has helped me a lot, but I have resigned myself to being alone the rest of my life.

 

Abby, my siblings hate me -- I'm not sure why. They have birthday parties, graduation parties, backyard barbecues and many family-oriented gatherings to which I am never invited. We live in the same small town, so it's not a matter of location. They go camping as a family in the summer, and it's always kept a secret from me. When I ask why I wasn't invited to the celebrations, I'm told that "there wasn't enough room." When I ask about the camping trips, I'm told, "We don't go camping as a family; we go as friends, so I'm sure you understand why you're not invited."

 

I really don't understand. I think they get some kind of kick out of knowing how badly they hurt me. My counselor says I should walk away from them and not look back because what they're doing is deliberate. But how can I walk away from the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally?

 

I keep hoping one of them will realize how badly I am hurting, have some compassion and extend a loving embrace to me before I completely die on the inside.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- A FAMILY OF ONE IN OHIO

 

DEAR FAMILY OF ONE: Please listen to your therapist and do as she advises. She has your best interests at heart. You were in no way to blame for your father's death, but on some level you may have been blamed for it by your siblings. Whatever is going on in their shriveled hearts, you cannot fix it. You will not find compassion or empathy where none exists. Your best chance of finding acceptance and love is to stop seeking it from your family, move on, and build a family of your own. Others have done it successfully, and so can you.

OMG! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

What's wrong with his inviting some of his extended family for some sort of gathering? Has it dawned on him that they don't include him because they feel that he's unsociable? Gosh, if he were to try to include them in his life, then they might just return the favor.

DEAR ABBY: I was having a snack in a restaurant a few days ago. A mother and her two young children were sitting at the next table. The younger child -- a boy about 3 -- picked up the salt shaker and licked the top of it. The mother instructed the older child to take the salt shaker to an unoccupied table and exchange it for another salt shaker.

 

Should I have spoken to her about it, or taken it off the other table myself and turned it over to an employee? I feel I should have done something, but I didn't. -- FEELING GUILTY, KILGORE, TEXAS

 

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: You should have informed your server or the manager of the restaurant about what you saw, so the item could have been removed and sanitized. And shame on that mother for what she was teaching her older child. Mother of the year, she's not.

EWWWWWWWWWW!

Remind me to stay 25+ miles away from Kilgore, Texas.

YUK!

I hope that mom saw herself and realizes just how nasty she looks.

DEAR ABBY: Last April, my nephew, "Frank," a first lieutenant in the Army, was on the third day of a road trip from Fort Campbell, Ky., to Seattle to deliver his pickup truck to his parents' home for storage during his second tour of duty in Iraq. He was on I-80 near Cheyenne, Wyo., in a snowstorm when his truck skidded on an icy patch, collided with a big rig, rolled over multiple times and landed off the roadway in the snow. Frank had multiple deep lacerations to his head, legs and feet, crushed bones in one foot and back, and neck injuries.

 

Several passers-by stopped to help. One was a nurse who held his neck straight until the paramedics arrived, and a trucker couple who called Frank's parents. However, while these good Samaritans were helping him, another group was going through Frank's things and stealing whatever they wanted. These scavengers took his cell phone, digital camera, Army helmet, wallet with military ID, the truck radio -- even his keys. The tow truck driver finally shooed them away.

 

I have never considered myself naive. I have lived on I-80 for 20 years and never heard of this happening. Abby, those people actually stole the military ID off a bleeding soldier. Is this as shocking to you as it is to us? -- APPALLED IN ROSEVILLE, CALIF.

 

DEAR APPALLED: Shocking and deplorable, yes. Unheard of, no. To paraphrase a quote I heard many years ago, "We have seen the enemy, and it is us."

DEAR Abby: I dated "Carter" for five months. During that time, he bought me all kinds of presents, from flowers to tires for my car. I never asked Carter for anything. In fact, I told him twice that there were "too many presents." He responded that I was insulting him, and told me I should just accept them graciously and say thank you.

 

I tried to reciprocate by doing things for him. I would cook him dinner every time he came over, and give him fresh produce from our garden. I even loaned Carter my car when his was in the shop.

 

Now that we are broken up, he is demanding that I return all his gifts and pay him $300 for the tires or he will sue me. (I have proof they were gifts, and given with love.) I feel Carter is wrong. Should I give him back the things and pay him? -- SORRY I EVER MET HIM IN CALIFORNIA

 

DEAR SORRY: Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as she (or he) wishes. However, in this case, since you now know they were intended as strings to bind you to him, it might be better to return them and be rid of him once and for all.

 

P.S. He can sue you if he wishes, but whether he could WIN is another matter. I hope for his sake he won't decide to try.

Um, NO! Returning the gifts could be said to be a sign that they weren't gifts, then that would cause even more problems. Should keep the gifts and then if the idiot sues, let him have his day in court. He'll only get one shot at it, and once he loses that case, he'll be done for. She can counter-sue to recover lost wages (to show up in court) and any other costs as a result of it, then he'll be stuck paying her for his self centered scheming ways.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 11 and in sixth grade. I recently caught a girl in my class copying off my paper. When I asked her not to, she denied doing it. The next day, she started copying down my answers word for word. This time, I asked her if she would like to pair up and work together. She sneered at me and told me to get my "help" from the teacher.

 

I told the teacher then, and the teacher replied, "She is having trouble with her work and personal problems at home. Just imagine if this math was hard for you."

 

The girl has ADHD. Should I continue to let this girl copy me? -- STUDENT IN PHOENIX

 

DEAR STUDENT: No, you should not. Because if you do, a girl who is already having trouble with math will never learn how to solve the problems herself.

 

P.S. It was nice of you to volunteer to help by pairing up with her. But this girl has bigger problems than you are equipped to cope with.

What?!? No! That teacher should be reported. What that teacher is doing is delivering the message that it's ok to cheat. I've gone through subjects that are hard to understand, but it's not going to help me to understand it if the answers are given to me. Seeing a few problems with some of the answers, along with a few examples of how to get those answers, yes I can learn from that. But just copying the answers? No. If that's going to be the case, why even bother having that girl do the work to begin with?

"Abby" should have said to talk with the teacher and point out that it's not helping the girl to let her copy off of others. If the teacher does anything short of the right thing, then that teacher should be reported immediately. Problems are home are no excuse to let a student cheat. It's what makes people stupid and what makes them do stupid things, like giving poor advice.

Here's one where "Abby" was slaughtered for her advice...

WIFE IN 'PERFECT' COUPLE IS READY TO PACK UP AND LEAVE

 

DEAR ABBY: For 35 years I have been married to the most manipulative, cunning, critical man ever born. "Homer" gets what he wants by using "helpful hints," offering "advice" and telling me "what's best," and sometimes even getting blue in the face and crying. He is very good at it, never quite overplaying his hand. He wears me down until I finally give in.

 

By using this technique, Homer has made sure that we live where he wants to live, vacation where he wants to go, drive the car he likes, and have even decorated our home in his preferred colors.

 

During the first years of our marriage, I gave in because I loved him. Later, I did it to avoid an argument. Now I do it out of habit. I loathe Homer for making me a doormat, and I loathe myself for allowing it to happen.

 

Homer will be retiring after the first of the year with a very nice annuity, which I feel I have earned, too. I have a small pension, but it's too small to live on my own. I don't know if I can bear Homer's company 24/7, but can I really start again at 65?

 

Everyone calls us the "perfect couple," but I am miserable and he is driving me closer to the door. I have often thought of just packing up and leaving. Can you help? -- SAD IN THE SOUTH

 

DEAR SAD: Since you know you can't bear your husband's company 24/7, consider some alternatives. One solution might be to volunteer your time to a worthy cause. According to AARP, research has proven that regular volunteering prolongs life expectancy and improves a person's physical and psychological well-being. In your case, it is essential.

 

The National Senior Service Corps specializes in placing older volunteers in volunteer assignments in their communities. Three national programs under the NSSC umbrella are the Foster Grandparent Program, the Senior Companion Program, and the Retired and Senior Volunteer Program -- a "one-stop shopping" for senior volunteers. To find out what's available in your community, call (800) 424-8867, or search online at: joinseniorservice.org.

 

As to your not having enough money to live on your own, volunteers are sometimes hired for full-time positions -- and that would mean your economic situation could change for the better. Please consider volunteering, because it could serve a dual purpose and save your sanity.

Read the replies below...

Take this letter, for example:

DEAR ABBY: My 9-year-old stepson, "Bryan," is turning into a feminine little boy. He knows all about girly products and what is on sale at the mall. Bryan's mother treats him like a baby. All they do at their house is sit around and watch TV. She has no friends, and neither does Bryan. He does not get involved with anything; he is exactly like his mother.

 

When Bryan is at our house, we try to get him involved in activities, but the boy is lazy and doesn't want to participate. Then he tells his mother that his father yells at him. My husband does yell, but only to get Bryan off his butt to do something. The result is Bryan wants to spend very little time with us because of his mother's constant babying. At our house, he has chores and we make him help with things. At her house, she does everything for him.

 

How can we make Bryan less feminine and involve him with friends and activities? -- "WICKED" STEPMOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

 

DEAR STEPMOM: It is a parent's job to help a child be the best that he (or she) can be. That does not mean the father remaking the child in his own image, and that may be what the boy is resisting. Bryan is not particularly "masculine," and he's not interested in what you and your husband are trying to force him into. Your insistence on trying to make him fit your mold may be what is driving him away.

 

Instead of yelling at him to get him "off his butt," if you need his help with chores, say exactly that. ("Bryan, I need your help with something.") And since he isn't interested in the usual "boy things," perhaps it's time you and your husband expose the boy to art, music, dance, to see what does turn him on.

 

If none of the above does the trick, then some professional counseling for the three of you to establish a healthier level of communication is in order. You may be able to help Bryan be more social, but don't count on changing the core of who he is.

What is "Abby" thinking?!? That kid is being taught to be lazy and to only sit and watch TV for fun. That is unheathly for the child and is a form of abuse/neglect. Trying to get him involved in activities is a very smart idea, regardless of what they are. She should have skipped the "let the mom corrupt the child" bit of advice and said for the father to consider seeking custody. Then they could limit the tv viewing and once the kid learns to pick and choose a limited number of shows to watch, he'll find other things to do during the other times. If the kid does girly things, oh well. But gosh, talk about missing an obvious problem.

Anyone else have any thoughts on this?

At first I thought, "How can this help ME?" Well, it did. No. 1 took me back to the beginning of my relationship with my fiance. By the time I reached No. 15, I had reviewed the past seven years of my life.

Few realize how important a role verbal abuse and criticism play in an abuser's efforts to gain control and keep you from leaving. The verbal abuse was harder for me to deal with than being kicked in the back when I'd walk away from one of his outbursts.

After reading that column, I finally understood there was nothing I could change about myself that would make him love me. Thank you, Abby. I wish I could let the family of the 19-year-old woman know they changed my life. -- GRATEFUL IN ILLINOIS

DEAR GRATEFUL: People often ask if I ever hear from readers letting me know how my columns have affected them. The answer is yes, and today I'll reprint that list in YOUR honor.

1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
   
2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
   
3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
   
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
   
5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
   
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
   
7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
   
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
   
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
   
10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
    
11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
    
12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
    
13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
    
14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
    
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."