The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her. "The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the [dog] to death with the chair!"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb @ss hole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

"I jumped in that creek down the road."

"Why did you do that?"

"I don’t know."

His dad was very angry and said, "If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm going to tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?"

"Yes dad," replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, "Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?"

"Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!"

His dad, being somewhat religious, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him, "Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus.'"

"Ok dad," replied the son.

The next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said, "I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!"

"I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!"

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used

it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about

how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on

my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative

and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In

fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by

yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and

then my attorney called and said that I was no longer a suspect in the

disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without

being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having

such a great product.

Well, gotta go. Have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand, "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

The old rooster replies,' come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over.' The old rooster says 'I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs, 'You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start. 'The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, 'Damn,...third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Stories about how they died.

1st woman : I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.. after I quit shaking from the cold,

I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my

husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself watching TV in the den.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere

that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into

the attic and then down in the basement. Then I went through every

closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had

looked everywhere, and finally exhausted and stressed, I just

keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... We'd both still be alive!

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out." -- She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

His dad told him, ''Son, the bird died and went to heaven.''

Then the boy asked, ''Did God throw him back down?'

''But I always get it here,'' says the blonde.

''Do you have the container it comes in?''

''Yes!'' says the blonde, ''I will go and get it.''

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, ''This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ''To apply, push up bottom.''

He asks the salesmen, "How much?"

The salesman replied, "12 bucks for the rat and 100 bucks for the story."

The tourist says, "I'll just take the rat, thanks."

As soon as the tourist leaves the shop rats started crawling out of the sewers. There were a hundred rats, then a thousand, and then millions.

The tourist was running as fast as he could. He ran to the end of the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the lake as he could. All the other rats jumped after it and drowned.

The tourist walked back to the store.

The salesmen says, "Came back for the story, eh?"

The tourist replies, "No but I was wondering, do you have a statue of a Republican?"

"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.

"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.

"What's your name, birdie?"

"Moses."

"What dumbass named you Moses?"

"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."

So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.

SNAP

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(are you ready ?)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on

water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly downed! Sven just managed

to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said,

"Because, you dumb a$$, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January,

you were born in July."

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.

I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.

Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________

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U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________ U.S.

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NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________

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U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight... grunt... cammies... ugh... Air Force women.... HOORAH!

So help me Corps.

Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)